AGENT VINOD CRUSHES PAKISTAN

The plot for Agent Vinod played by Saif Ali Khan, an actor of Pakistani heritage like salman khan, dilip kumar, shah rukh khan etc, plays the role of a Tamil super-agent.  A horrible event takes place and indeed it is the dastardly enemy Pakistan that is responsible. There is no context given. Pak has attacked simply because it is evil and has a genetic tendency to do evil. India is entirely innocent and has never shown anything but generosity. No historic, socio-political, geo-strategic background is provided. No mention of Kashmir, AFSPA, Amnesty International, HR violations or Indian

What Pakistanis look like in Indian Movies

 

What Indians look like in Indian Movies

hegemony, post-partition land-grabbing, hyderabad-junagarh-kashmir hypocrisy, Mukti bahini etc. etc. (yawn type stuff)The insult to india’s honor must be avenged.  Agent Vinod has fully mobilized. 10,000 jawan braves (hritik roshan look-alikes) have been pojitioned on india’s 1600 mile border with Mordor (pakistan) and its 160 million orcs. Arjun tanks with trishul canons are armed and ready to fight pakistan’s armored donkey-carts. Completely indigenous, ninth-generation, fighter jets with an uncanny resemblance to the russian Migs are scrambled to combat pakistanis on their flying camels.Another 1 million braves are pojishuned shturtejikally in the kashmir valley to ‘protect’ unarmed kajmiri civilians from unarmed kashmiri civilians. There is no native indpendence movement, only 350 brainwashed, non-kashmiri super-militants from Karachi’s subzee bazaar. The kashmiris rejoice and kiss good-looking bollywood heroes for protecting them from the phantom occupation force of talibanistan. To show appreciation, handsome indian captain breaks into a synchronized song-and-dance number, gori-gori kashmiris join them. even the ugly extras in the back get muslima partner in shocking pink mini-skirt. (Coincidentally, dance marks the 1 millionth time, michael jackson’s dance routine has been plagiarized).Meanwhile, from the black land of shadows (rawalpindi), Sauron (ISI chief) looks down upon his legions of orcs ready to pounce upon the city of shirepur, cyberabad, slumgarh and the crown jewel.. opensewerabad.  No doubt using teleportation devices provided by Beijing, they trasport orc agents disguised as dalits, maoists, assamese, kashmiris to forment non-existent separatist movements. In fact, two of Vinod’s unmarried, virgin cousins are pregnant. Both noble indian women have blamed an ISI-planted boyfriend. RAW is investigating the ‘mysterious’ conception. Baby is showing early signs of pakistani genes (horns, inability to reason, claws, a wicked yorker and a hostile attitude towards bullies in the neighborhood). A dossier of said evidence has been sent to Sarumon Zardari by express HPRR. (Human-powered rickshaw rocket)

Pakistani Road in Bollywood

Indian Road in Bollywood

India retaliates by placing all U.N. resolutions and the whole world supports India that Kashmir is not disputed territory but an intejeral part of India.  Indian jets bomb the Propaganda wing of ISI,  Amnesty International headquarters and Human Rights Watch headquarters.

Indian city in bollywood

Pakistani city in Bollywood

Now is the moment that Akhand bharat and Achoot Tang are happening! Agent Vinod summons the power of emperor chootiyapa lalgaand from 23rd century B.C. Lalgaand the II appears on the horizon and instructs Agent Vinod to “reclaim” the “rest” of India.  Agent Vinod is sent to Pakistan, where all pakistani women fall in love with his indian machismo, fair complexion and dance-numbers.  The daughter of a general falls in love with our hero.  Super-Agent Vinod springs into action. Cold Start doctrine is initiated, India declares simultaneous offensive wars on all former Indian territories: Pak, Bangladesh, Aghanistan, Bhutan, Burma, malaysia, Vietnam, Somalia, the pacific ocean, uganda, england and Uranus.

While managing a romantic triangle, Agent vinod takes on two armoured cores of pak military and single-handedly defeats the enemy with his bare hands and pelvic thrusts dance moves. A army of khans is no match for vinod khan. A hapless pak army fires a missle, vindo, simply punches it.   There is even a dance number where agent vinod dances with pak agents extras.. the pakistani love interest falls in love not only with vinod’s rugged good looks but also his sense of humanity, his noble purpose and wants to run off with him to Secular Switzerland of South Asia.

The End

Ralph Peters – An Epic Idiot

This is a very foolish man.

 

Pakistan not on the map

Indians often threaten to wipe Pakistan off the map.  I laughed this off until I saw this map….

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2dfOEiyyG7o/TbTmVVYlDcI/AAAAAAAAAC8/-AaZjLKHRmA/s1600/World_Map_AIDS_HIV_exag.jpg

Indian Kashmir intelligence report intercepted

For the longest time, Amnesty International was banned in Indian occupied Kashmir.   In 2010, Indian authorities have allowed Amnesty International to send a team to the Indian administered Kashmir for the first time since a deadly insurgency against Indian rule erupted here two decades ago.  The two-person Amnesty team arrived Monday on a fact-finding mission.  Their names: Bikramjeet Batra and Ramesh Gopalakrishnan!

Reformistani obtained an advance copy of Gopal & Birkitshit’s report:

(Please read in Indian accent to get full effect)

1) Upon furder objectification and tranjparent reserchification using the latest indijinush russian teknolgeez you know, we have done lots of dubba-dubba-ding-ding analysis using you know Microsoft C sharp .NET. Immejiately upon fiiiiinding the trubbles we sent to call-shenter

2) Upon analyshish. We have something that is to be most trubbeling you know. wouldn’t you know it, it is the kasmeeris that are violating the indian guvernment forces that are deeefainding the kasmeeris from EVIL baaashterd pakis! Those nice boys from our finest slums have taken up pojitions in the middle of kasmeeri residential areas to fight pakistanis on LOC.

3) SO it is to be that nobody claim uver good india is not biased, what we do is give exjamples:

4) On May 10th, Kasmeeri women and children ahhtaked the jecurity forces with loud noijes. They were to be saying we want freejom. one muscular 9 year old threw upon handsome soldier a vicious looking pebble with atleajt 2 sharp-sharp pointies. Pebble fell ten feet from heros and shatter, a fragment of pebble hit shoe of our jawan. Jawan fell to ground, the remainder jawans use great caution when phirring assualt-rifles. 3 dangerous toddlers, two 90 year old women eksxpired from pak artillery. One jawan shoe was injured. oh so very very bad. Conclujion = ISI responsible.

Shinsherely,
Gopal and Birkibirkishit

Addendum to GHQ
Sir, i must be makijng a complaaaint about my collegueate birkibirkishit. upon the dubba-dubba-ding-ding report and returning to highly guarded barracks in free/happy kajmir and layin upon my barrack bed, i feel a magnum flash-lite upon my posterior. Waking up see it is birkibirkishit doing kama-sutra upon me. when i tell him to desist, he fire voluntary dishcharje at my face. I know it is volunterry because he make smile upon making dishcharge. When I inquire about dishcharge, birkibrikishit tell me ISI made him do it.
i am to be demanding transhfer becoj if i wanted voluntray discharge i would do it myshelf.

Captain Gopal.

Opportunistic Indian girl makes in-roads in Hollywood

>> no thanks.

Friendsicles,

>>  You are an idiot.

Wednesday, June 1st, 2011:

Get a BBM at 8 in the morning from my friend Nicki telling me we’re going to a party in “the Hills” that night because the Yankees were in town. But this party now presents a conundrum as a) I didn’t know people partied on Wednesdays because I’m uncool and b) I had just run out of clean underwear and hadn’t shaved my legs in three days, so I wasn’t really in a “party” sort of place. (what’s that you say? You’re surprised I’m single?)

>> No actually not surprised due to your photo.

However, after being told to grow a pair, I decided to join the girls after work for this fiesta.

Party time rolls around that evening and despite being a Wednesday, and based on how many trashy girls in short dresses there are, it looks like the inside of any club in Las Vegas has vomited inside this music producer’s home.

>> And a bottom feeder such as you is different how?

Minus all the hordes of Asians you get in real Las Vegas. I spend my first hour at this party irritated at having to even be there, and then telling the Yankees picture Joba Chamberlain how he’ll never be as great as my beloved Brian Wilson. I think he may have called me a lesbian as I was walking away, but I guess you can’t blame him since I did choose to wear pants. Anyways, I digress.

>> Your attempts at satire are sorry.

Heading back inside, bored out of mind, I look over and notice Jamie Foxx and Quentin Tarantino have joined the melee. Joy. Two more people at this party who could not give a shit about who I am.

>> But our attention-seeking _______ will prove everyone wrong!

I go back to texting in the corner while stuffing my face with a hot dog. About an hour later I’m making a drink and realize the pasty tall fellow pouring orange juice into my glass is the man himself, QT. Realizing I kind of have to go for at it this point, in all my nerd glory blurt out: “I’m sure everyone tells you this but I fucking loved Reservoir Dogs. I watched it when I was 11 for my school newspaper, and it’s badass.”

>> Here is my big career opportunity!!!!

He starts laughing, thanks me, pleasantries are exchanged about how I was clearly a fucked up 11 year old for watching Reservoir Dogs, and we start what appears it might be a delightful little chat about film. Until this happens:

Quentin: Wow so you really loved Reservoir Dogs, huh? Which of my other films do you like?((this blatant arrogance is the type of douchebaggery that really gets my gourd about Hollywood,

>> Please note you gave flattered him a moment ago… don’t go righteous on us now.

so now my film boner has turned to film hate fuck, and I feel the need to cheekily undermine Quentin.)(Me: Oh wow. You know, I really didn’t like Kill Bill…Quentin: What? What do you mean? 1 or 2? Me: Ehh, a little bit of both. I just didn’t care for them. Quentin: Wow…I don’t think anyone has said that to my face about my seminal films. Me: Perhaps it’s because you call them your seminal films. Shouldn’t you wait for someone else to say that? Quentin: You know, you’ve got a mouth on you. I like that.

At this point, QT puts an arm around me and I’m acutely aware that Quentin Tarantino has an arm around me. As are my four friends, who are all looking at me as if I have grown a second head. To be fair, I am easily the most uncool out of all my friends (I go to Q’s in Brentwood four nights a week), so the fact that anyone even mildly famous wants to speak to me is pretty shocking. He’s chatting with my friends and I like it’s no big deal, I am pretending like this happens every night of my life, and out of nowhere he leans in for the makeout. Yes. True story. I am pulling a frat move and making out in a crowded kitchen with Quentin Fucking Tarantino. I cannot stop laughing AS this is happening, mainly because I see my friends Nicki and Jen literally gag behind Quentin’s head, and I really am doing this for the story at this point. We make out some more, take a walk, keep making out, get more drinks, lather, rinse, repeat. Believe me when I say I’m not bragging, because..well…have you looked at a photo of Quentin Tarantino recently? (Please refer to: http://bit.ly/jL4ORR)

>> Translation: i am a fat sow

At some point in our public makeout, Jamie Foxx comes over and without acknowledging me goes, “Yo QT, ready to roll?” Quentin looks at me and says “Want to come to my house?” Ummmmmm…fuck yes? We get in an SUV and off we go. As I’m in the car though, I realize two things: 1) Making out with Quentin Tarantino is a great story, but there is no way I plan on putting out, and 2) This is a director who makes up fucked up films for a living, there is a 23% chance he could Phil Spektor me, and I’m definitely not ready to die. But alas, I’m already in the car and we’re off.

>> Have some class and decline the offer then… He doesn’t want to make you a director in his next production — certainly not an actress.

We get to the house, which is gorgeous, and Jamie Foxx takes off with his lady friend (I try to say bye to him and he doesn’t even look at me. Jamie Foxx could not have given 2 shits who I was. This is probably karma because I snuck into a screening of Ray in 2004 with my black boyfriend who worked at AMC at the time, instead of buying a ticket).

>> my black boyfriend?  this girl is so needy, it’s sad.

Which leaves me and QT alone in his bar. I spot a photo booth and immediately realize that we must take photos, if for nothing else, proof that this story even happened. (Because I know at least 7 of you right now think I’m still lying, and are pissed you had to read this much. It gets even better, I promise!!)

We get a few good photo strips, which I immediately buried at the bottom of my purse lest he take them from me, and go on talking about film. (For you film geeks, this was a great conversation that led to QT cutting me a trailer of my five favorite bad movies, but for sake of some semblance of brevity, I will leave that aside for another day)

>> Sorry chick tries to sell her “credentials” to Tarantino who is only interested in her fungal toes…

After a lengthy film discussion, Quentin suggests we head to bed, which is the point where I really start panicking. I have stalled for a good long time but the makeouts were really losing their appeal because you can only be sweated on so much,

>> small price to get into hollywood

and we were getting closer to the moment of truth on whether I’d have to put out or not. The makeout continues for a while longer, and I’m really getting nervous about where the night may lead, kicking myself over not pretending to be more drunk and “passing out”, and wishing he’d turn the damn lights off so that he won’t notice that I’m wearing Hanes Her Way underwear the size of Canada that I bought at CVS that morning because my life is really just that sad and pathetic. We make out some more, there’s a little below the belt action that I try to avoid, as QT has the most unattractive penis I have ever seen (short. fat. nub-like. The chode of all chodes.

>> Uncreative like bollywood, she plagiarizes words from hcwdb website.

Boys, those junior high pamphlets are lying when they say that all shapes and sizes are normal. Lying.) Just as I’m about to hyperventilate over the fact that he may try to put that horrific bodily implement anywhere near my Britney, he leans over and goes “Hey…”

I know this “Hey.” This is the “Hey, should I get a condom?” hey that accompanies 20 minutes of ungratifying sex. As I’m trying to rapidly think of ways I can agent myself out of this deal, I hear what is without a doubt, the strangest question in the history of my life. Quentin Tarantino asks, “Can I suck on your toes while I jerk off?” What. The. Fuck.

>> Do tell us about the part where you said yes…

Many of you may have seen this coming, as his foot fetish is WELL documented, but for some of us who spend more time watching Kate Hudson than we do Quentin Tarantino, this was a huge shock. On top of that, I don’t even like weird sex habits! A saucy hookup for me is on the foot of the bed, instead of on a pillow. Someone tried to talk me into a threesome once and I cried for an hour. Having someone ask to fellate my feet while rubbing one out was a world I was not prepared for.

But desperate times call for desperate measures, and I realized this just might be my get out of jail free card on the whole chode in vag issue.

>> Or.. you could’ve said no.

After some negotiations about how I would not partake in any of the hand job action were nailed down, I begrudgingly acquiesced. (And by begrudgingly, I realized I didn’t have to shtup the dude and said sure why not in about 0.03 seconds) And thus began the weirdest ten minutes of my life – having my feet made out with by an Oscar winning filmmaker while he pleasured himself. Truth be told, it wasn’t so bad. I didn’t have to do anything (a nice bonus, since I am undoubtedly the laziest person in bed, which some of you can attest to), no bodily secretions were ejected anywhere near me or my feet (thank god, because I imagine it would feel like walking in sand with wet I fucking hate that), and just as I hoped, we went to bed right after.

In the morning, I snooped through Quentin’s belongings while he was in the bathroom and now know his e-mail address.

>> because I am complete scumbag.

He fooled around with my feet one more time (this time without asking, which I found rude), and then drove me back to Nicki’s apartment in Weho and that was that.

Most insane experience of my life, and without a doubt, probably the best story I will ever get to tell. Those of you who know me well know of my love of hyperbole, so I’m actually rather sad that I won’t get to use “best story ever!!!” when talking about how I scored a free topping at Yogurtland anymore, but I suppose for Quentin I can make an exception. I’ll try not to forget all of you little people when my feet and I make our meteoric race (foot pun intended) to the top of the A-List soon.

Till then, I’ve attached our photo booth photos for those of you who think I still just have a vivid imagination…and yes, he does look like Frankenstein.

>> Translation: he never called me to give me a part in his next movie… s

Love, Beejoli

Indian Media coverage of Pakistan Cricket Team

Funny parody by Pakistani kids.

The English Language in India

This is a collection of leave letters and applications written by people in various places of India…

1. Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.

2. This is from Oracle Bangalore:
>From an employee who was performing the “mundan” ceremony of his 10 year old son: “as I want to shave my son’s head, please leave me for two days..”

3. Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter’s wedding:
“as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week’s leave..”

4. From H.A.L. Administration dept:
“As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave.”

5. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
“Since I’ve to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave”

6. An incident of a leave letter
“I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday.”

7. A leave letter to the headmaster:
“As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today”

8. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
“As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.”

9. Covering note: “I am enclosed herewith…”

10. Another one:
“Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below…”

11. Actual letter written for application of leave:
“My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave”.

12. Letter writing: -
“I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well.”
13. A candidate’s job application:
“This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ‘ Typist and an Accountant – Male or Female’…As I am both for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

The Indian Afghan Failure

Looks like billions of Indian dollars that could’ve gone towards cleaning up slums and providing social services to its own citizens will now be enjoyed by the afghans. India’s attempt to colonize Afghan was destined to fail. Iran is moving closer to Pak thanks to Indian disloyalty. Thank you India for building the road to Chanabahar as an alternative to gwadar, we pakistani, iranian and afghans appreciate it. Also thanks for the roads and mining infrastructure, afghans will appreciate exporting via gwadar and karachi.

Resolve issues with your neighbors, forget about akhand bharat, make peace and GET OUT OF OUR NEIGHBORHOOD.